Wait, I need to back up, anyway.

I shop, on occasion, at my local Safeway store. I don�t go there regularly, I prefer another grocery store, but the Safeway is closer and cheaper so I often pop in there for non-culinary essentials.

Safeway started this policy a few years ago that drives me nuts. More nuts than it should, I guess. But nuts. I mean truly bonkers: At the end of my transaction, after the cashier has run everything and is handing me my receipt, he/she takes a look at my credit card and says �Thank you, Mrs. Evans.� and �Would you like some help with these groceries to your car, Mrs. Evans�. Then they might turn to the bagger and say �Mrs. Evans would like some help with her groceries.�

I never once introduced myself to these people, and they are already freely calling me by name. It�s false intimacy. We�re not buddies. You don�t know me. Especially when you say �Mrs. EEE-vans.� It�s pronounced �EH-vins�, pal, and if we were REALLY friends you�d know that.

Big deal, you say. Get over it. There are worse problems.

You�re absolutely right. There are. I�m about to tell them to you.

Sometimes these Safeway cashiers like to comment on the products I buy. Or pick them up and check them out, as though they are shopping, not me. �Wow, look at that,� they�ll say. Or, �Whoa! What will they think of next?� I have even, on several occasions, watched my Safeway cashier or bagger pick up a magazine I�m buying and start reading it. Aiiggh! STOP! You�re running the words together!!!

You�re saying �You need to get a life. This is not that bad.�

I�m not done yet.

So yesterday, I�m going through the checkout. There are several other people in line behind me, and the cashier picks up my box of Monistat, looks at it, then at me. �Have you tried this before?� she asks.

I can�t believe this. This is even worse then the time the Safeway cashier picked up my box of tampons and asked me if I liked this brand. At least then there was no one else in line.

The cashier continued. �I mean, does it really work in one application?� She stared at me.

�I don�t know.� I whispered. Looking down. Dear God. I�m being quizzed in front of Safeway shoppers on my vaginal health. Never in my wildest dreams�

The Safeway cashier could not be stopped: ��Cause I was just saying to a lady the other day�it would be GREAT if it did!�

I looked her dead in the eye and didn�t blink. She got the message (I think) and finished my order.

�Thank you Mrs. EEE-vans, and have a nice day.�

God, I miss Homegrocer.com.

*TMI = Too Much Information